Mulder 1/2
by Verbena
Summary: An interesting little story involving Mulder. And a pond. And... breasts...


Title: Mulder 1/2  
Author: Verbena, the pookie-lass!  
Disclaimer: The X-files is not mine, and neither is Mulder or Scully. *sniff* And that's sad, because if I really DID own them, Scully and I would dress Mulder up in girly clothes and give him a make-over!  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Know what? There's actually no point to this story... whatsoever...  
  
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"So how's the weather UP YOUR ASS?"  
  
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South Dakota  
3:41 PM  
  
Mulder and Scully raced through the dense forest, chasing after the criminal. Scully had gotten a head start and had almost caught him when she tripped and fell on a root. Mulder stopped for a moment to see if she was okay, and then dashed ahead. When he was close enough he jumped, attempting to tackle the criminal, but the guy managed to dodge at the right moment, sending Mulder head-first to the ground. Since they were on a slope, he began to roll downwards until he landed in a pond at the bottom. The criminal dashed into a patch of trees nearby and disappeared from sight. Mulder splashed the water with his arm, letting out a little grunt of frustration. Finally he heard Scully's voice somewhere behind him.  
  
"Did you catch him?" She asked, panting.   
  
"No," Mulder shook his head, obviously pissed off.  
  
Scully froze. "S...say that again?"  
  
"I didn't catch him."  
  
Scully slowly made her way down to the pond, a look of utter confusion on her face. What the hell was up with his voice? It sounded... it almost sounded _girly. _"Say that once more..."  
  
Mulder turned to her, angry. "Are you deaf? I said that I didn't- what's wrong?"  
  
Scully gasped, backing away. The sight before her was _not_ what she was expecting. It was Mulder, but he... he was a _woman._ His nose was smaller and his eyes and lips were larger. And the most disturbing and noticable part of it all... was the breasts. She had absolutely no idea what was going on. Maybe she was dreaming. Maybe it was another one of those strange and wonderful sex dreams she had occasionally. Yeah, that had to be it.  
  
"Scully, what is it?" He asked, getting out of the pond and pulling a peice of sea weed from his hair.   
  
"Um... um... um... uh... l-l-l-l-look... d-d-down..."  
  
He did as she told him... and his almost-smile immediately faded. He stared at them for a few moments, a blank look on his face. "Hold on." He turned away from Scully and took a quick moment to pull up his shirt. He screamed, his feminine voice ringing all throughout the forest. "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!"  
  
Scully shook her head grimly, eyes planted firmly on her feet. She couldn't bare to look at him. After several minutes of listening to Mulder scream obscenities, she finally decided to do something about it. Quickly she grabbed his arm to calm him down. She noticed that it wasn't big and muscley like it used to be. "Okay, Mulder, calm down. We have to figure out how to reverse this, or, or, or... something..."  
  
"How?" He asked, whimpering. Poor Mulder.  
  
"W-well, my guess is that it happened when you fell in the pond."  
  
Mulder looked down at the little blue pond in front of them. The ripples he had caused when he fell in had now smoothed over. It looked like a fairly normal pond. "Huh. Maybe if I jump back in I'll change back into a man again."  
  
"I certainly hope so." Scully responded. It was the absolute truth.  
  
Mulder eagerly jumped in, the chilly water causing him to immediately jump back out again. He looked at Scully with hope in his eyes. "So?"  
  
Scully lowered her eyes to the ground and shook her head.  
  
"SHIT!" He yelled for the whole world to hear. "God, what do we do now?!"  
  
Scully sighed. "I'm afraid there's nothing we _can_ do right now, Mulderina. We'll just have to go back to the hotel and think of something from there."  
  
Mulder nodded sadly. After a few seconds he realized something. "Mulderina?!"  
  
Scully smiled. "What?"  
  
He glared at her. He couldn't believe this was happening. He was a _girl!_ What if... what if he started having _girly problems_? He shuddered at the thought. He felt like Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap. Like he had just leaped into the body of a girl. "Oh, boy," he muttered to himself as he and Scully returned to the car.  
  
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Hope Heights Hotel  
5:12  
  
Scully sat on the bed with the remote in her hand. She kept on flipping between The Simpsons and Jackass. Mulder sat next to her, occasionally looking up at the tv. He had a sad look on his face. He felt hopeless.  
  
"Think of anything yet?" He asked.  
  
"Nope."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Hey, Scully?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Does thinking Ricky Martin is hot make me gay?"  
  
Scully took a deep breath. "Well... it depends. Did you think he was hot _before_ you became a woman?"  
  
"Um... maybe."  
  
More silence. Mulder sighed. "Hey, Scully, I'm gonna take a shower, okay?"  
  
Scully gave him a look. "Alright, Mulderina, but... make sure you take some time to actually _clean_ yourself while you're in there."  
  
Mulder smiled at her before getting up and going into the bathroom. He still thought she looked cute, so he couldn't be 100% female. Or maybe he was just a lesbian. Anyway. He began stripping away, and after a few interesting moments of... exploring, he jumped into the shower.  
  
"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and tv... is."  
  
Scully laughed. Homer was one funny dude. Suddenly she heard a loud "WOO-HOO!!" coming from the bathroom. It didn't sound as girlish as before. "Hey, Scully, come in here! The door's not locked!"  
  
Scully slowly rose from the bed and opened the bathroom door, peeking inside. Mulder was standing there, buck naked. She immediately covered her eyes with her hand. "Mulder, cover yourself!"  
  
"Oh, sorry," He said, grabbing a towel and covering his... manly-region. The key word there is MAN. "See, Scully? I'm not a woman anymore!"  
  
Scully uncovered her eyes and stepped slowly into the bathroom. "Yeah, I noticed. What happened, exactly?"  
  
"I think it was the hot water. See, I've got it all figured out. Every time I'm splashed with cold water, I turn into a woman. Whenever I'm splashed with hot water, I turn into a man!"  
  
Scully pondered it for a long moment. "This is truly amazing. I don't see how _water _can, can..."  
  
"Yeah, it's amazing, but... what am I gonna do whenever I want to go to the lake or the swimming pool?"  
  
"Bring a bikini."  
  
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FIN  
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Heh... see, wasn't that pointless? Now how about giving me a review.


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